Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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