Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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