awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
