he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
