just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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