He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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