Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
