Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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