she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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