I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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