I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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