Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
