Will you blow on my dice?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
