I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
