Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
