I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm sobbing to NWA
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
