i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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