2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
