Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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