I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
