I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
