so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
