How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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