I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
