it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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