On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
