if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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