Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
