Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
