he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
