So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
