woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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