I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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