She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
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Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
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You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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