Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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