BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
