I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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