you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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