i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
