After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
