i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
