I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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