i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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