How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize