My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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