Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
