once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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