The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i now understand why vodka
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
