Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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