I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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