two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
