apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
