i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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