Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
