I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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