I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
