I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
