Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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