apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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